Let’s just say this was me for a while. Not that things didn’t excite me, they did but only at the moment hey happened. I was gloomy for many reasons than one. Remember that happiness we talked about? Yes, it was there but so was gloom. So it was more like YinYang.
As for the flicker, that’s how happiness and gloom took their turns. Playing with my feelings.
Then some other days, it just became this. That’s what life was like the past few days. Maybe it was more like staring at a blank wall with a blank mind.
Then there was no point of all that anymore, you know, sometimes you have to slap yourself right back into your right position. It was like my moment of “Hey! Look! There’s a good universe out there, go on!”
I remembered I once stumbled upon a post by Matt Haig that totally made me realize. Though he wrote this to show some warmth to those who struggle with depression, this that I felt was not depression, maybe, just maybe, it was the leading phase to it but I didn’t get there.
Here are things he wished someone had told him at the time, to me, here are things I’m glad he put out to share. I’m sharing because it’s totally worth it. Trust me.
So, here are reasons to stay alive…
1. You are on another planet. No-one understands what you are going through. But actually, they do. You don’t think they do because the only reference point is yourself. You have never felt this way before, and the shock of the descent is traumatizing you, but others have been here. You are in a dark, dark land with a population of millions.
2. Things aren’t going to get worse. You want to kill yourself. That is as low as it gets. There is only upwards from here.
3. You hate yourself. That is because you are sensitive. Pretty much every human could find a reason to hate themselves if they thought about it as much as you did. We’re all total bastards, us humans, but also totally wonderful.
4. So what, you have a label? ‘Depressive’. Everyone would have a label if they asked the right professional.
5. That feeling you have, that everything is going to get worse, that is just a symptom.
6. Minds have their own weather systems. You are in a hurricane. Hurricanes run out of energy eventually. Hold on.
7. Ignore stigma. Every illness had stigma once. Stigma is what happens when ignorance meets realities that need an open mind.
8. Nothing lasts forever. This pain won’t last. The pain tells you it will last. Pain lies. Ignore it.
9. Or, to plagiarise myself: ”Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile. Which is to say, don’t kill yourself. Even when the darkness is total. Always know that life is not still. Time is space. You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars.” (The Humans)
10. You will one day experience joy that matches this pain. You will cry euphoric tears at the Beach Boys, you will stare down at your baby daughter’s face as she lies contentedly asleep in your lap, you will make great friends, you will eat delicious foods you haven’t tried yet, you will be able to look at a view like this one and feel the beauty, there are books you haven’t read yet that will enrich you, films you will watch while eating extra large buckets of popcorn, and you will dance and laugh and have sex and go for runs by the river and have late night conversations and laugh until it hurts. Life is waiting for you. You might be stuck here for a while, but the world isn’t going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can. Life is always worth it.
Just always tell yourself…